What are the first thoughts about ‘you‘, when you are unable to crack that presentation, deliver the pitch, or perhaps when you did not complete that pending to-do list? How to talk to yourself?
Now your self-talk could sound two ways:
1) “It is okay, we will work through it.”, “It is fine, we will work harder tomorrow” and “Not everything is in our control”
OR
2) “God, you are not upto the mark”, “You are foolish to have made that mistake”, “Seriously, you couldn’t even do that”
If you belong to the first category, – that’s good; Invite to share best practices adopted for a larger group to benefit.
But, just in case you resonated with the second one, don’t worry you aren’t alone. 95% of people self-criticize themselves when they need their faith and love (for themselves) the most. This negative conversation that is initiated to fuel one’s motivation eventually frames the negative subconscious mindset of the person. These phrases further evolve into the natural perspective of the person about themselves.
The Problem
You may wonder that if this is so common, and when people are already aware that they need more self-compassion to reduce negative self-talk, why don’t they do anything about it?
Well, it is the same reason that stops you. Self-criticism is entirely internalized within us and coping with this requires conscious efforts, that most of us are not willing to make. We want the change, however the effort to change gets influenced for not doing (by lazy/lethargy). Another problem is that we have yet not normalized ‘asking for help’. So, even if people want to change, asking for help simply doesn’t make it to their list and they end up being clueless about the direction they need to work in.
The Solution- Self-Love and Compassion
What has interestingly helped me put a halt to this self-deprecating practice is constantly questioning myself:
‘Is this how I would talk to a close friend when they make a mistake?”
And the answer is always a “NO”. I would treat my friend with compassion and reassurance that it will be just fine. I would ask them to take deep breaths and assure them that making a mistake is what helps in learning.
We make our friends understand that failing or not living up to expectations is fine but seldom do we do that for ourselves because I believe we lack the same love and respect for ourselves.
Remember, we can grow without being too harsh on ourselves. ,
I found an interesting article from Harvard Business Review that provides excellent insights on self-compassion.
What intrigued me is how the article sheds light on the four crucial elements of self-compassion:
1) using a softer tone
2) acknowledging that pain is ubiquitous
3) take a balanced approach to dealing with your negative thoughts
4) have faith in yourself to make the best decision
The article has creatively cleared all the misconceptions about positive self-talk on so many grounds
For example, what helps me in my journey of addressing self-compassion and self-love is the acknowledgment of the fact that things may not go as planned but I will figure it out eventually. However, we should not misunderstand it with toxic positivity where our only self-talk is that “I will do it”.
Failures and learnings in each journey are important and must be acknowledged. Reassurance that the scenarios of consequences in our heads may be the worst and choosing to think with optimism is what comes next,
What do you think is essential for healthy positive self-talk, better self-compassion, and self-love?